Ramblings

(Previously published July 11, 2010)

Sorry for the quiet the last couple of days. It hasn't been for a lack of things to write about, but merely a limited number of hours in my day! I have about 5 blogposts swirling around in my head, as God is speaking to this heart of mine in many ways. I'm trying to process through all that He is trying to tell me. Throughout this entire journey, I've prayed, "Lord, please let me see your fingerprints on each moment. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear. I don't want to miss a moment." It seems like even in the everyday moments, the ordinary, I am constantly aware of His presence. And He has been taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary. More on that in another post... 

As I am reading through Matthew right now, it makes me think of the multitudes that would follow Jesus. They followed Him for days just wanting to be close to Him. To lean in and hear what He had to say. To get a glimpse of His power and majesty. To fully understand what He was trying to teach them. I am one of the multitude, just wanting to be near my Jesus. And as many would come to Him with a heart of worship, crying out for Him to heal them....that is my heart's cry."Lord, I believe you can heal me!" But I am astutely aware that God may have another plan and that doesn't mean He is any less loving or powerful. That just means His plan is different, but in the end, always better than mine. So I say, "Lord, I pray you heal me, but even more, I pray that God's will be done in and through me."

The last couple of days have been eventful. On Thursday, we took the kids to Hershey Park. We go every year and had tickets that needed to be used before September. (knowing that I probably wouldn't be up for a Hershey park day in the next two months...we went despite the soaring thermostat here....over 90!) Our nephew, Max, was also in town for the week, so the boys were thrilled to share the day with their cousin. Due to the hot temperature that day, most of the people were at the waterpark, so the lines we slim to none on most of the roller coasters.

Overall it was a great day and another change of pace for all of us. I had a hard time fully engaging throughout the day, though. Often my husband would look at me and say, "Stacy, your're here but a million miles away." That I was. There is something about this new cancer thing that just sits with you. I found myself looking around at the people passing by and wondering what their story was? What they were dealing with? It really has given me a deeper compassion for people. No one knew I had cancer, but yet it was there. It is now a part of me and always will be. It doesn't define me, but it is just a part of me, but right now so ever-present. There would be those moments of just shear fun....and then in an instant, somehow, the reminder that I was sick and a week from that day would be in surgery. And so in many ways, I was on my own ride that day.

On Friday, I had my final visit with my plastic surgeon and then went from there over to the hospital for pre-admission testing. On my way home, I stopped by Target to run a few errands. Upon entering the store, I received a phone call from my husband that a minor accident had occurred with child number 5. Back to the hospital we went to receive these......

That would be 9 staples in his head. Apparently, as Jed came running through the kitchen, he nose dived into the wall, hitting the corner and a big slice in his poor head resulted. Mind you, just 6 weeks prior, he received 2 staple on top of his head as he met his match again with a park bench. Jed is quite the trooper. By 4:00 we were back home from the hospital. Thankfully, he didn't have a concussion, just a nasty reminder of meeting the wall! Later, he was quite proud to show everyone where he had made contact with the wall and left a nice dent.

And the weekend has concluded with lots of projects getting done. In many ways, I feel like my summer is coming to a close and all the things I had wanted to accomplish are now getting done in a week's time. I keep joking with my sweet hubby that I feel like I am nesting.....just no baby coming to prepare for. He is spackling and painting, crossing things off the summer "to do" list and I am hand in hand with him getting much accomplished. My dear, sweet friend, Beth, gave so generously of her time today and after church came over to help me organize some closets, the mudroom and the kid's toys in the basement. You know when disorder descends and everywhere you look there are piles....well that was my house. It really was all a bit overwhelming as not only is my house desperately in need of a deep clean, it had needed some order. Thank you, Beth, for bringing me halfway there. I have order, tomorrow I hope to have clean! 

In just a couple days, my house will be filled with many new voices as family comes in to be with my children while I am in the hospital. I can't believe my surgery is only 3 days away. I am trying not to think about it too much. This morning, I had such precious and emotional time of worship at church. Even going to church, God was drawing me. There was such an urgency in me to meet with my Savior this morning in worship and praise. He never disappoints. There I sat, with tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of love, tears of reverence streaming down my face, with hands raised, giving God the praise that is due His glorious name. Our worship leader, Nadine, read from Hebrews 4:16, which is a verse I find great comfort in..."Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Nadine lead me to the throne of Jesus Sunday morning where I know that He hears me and will give me His grace and mercy as I walk the cancer road. Thank you Nadine for allowing God to move through you and for giving so freely of your gifts for our Lord. 

I partake of His suffering right now. I walk the steps, yet again, that my Lord and Savior walked the days before He was lead from the garden to the cross. 

"Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you; but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy." 1 Peter 4:12,13

He gave of His life, so that we may live eternally with Him, if only we would believe and receive Him into our hearts and lives through faith. He paid the price with His life to cover our sins. All we have to do is receive Him. What He is asking me to do pales in comparison, really...there is no comparison....yet my hear cry is the same, "O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will." As I sang this morning, "my strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord." It is in His strength that I rest and close out my day.

Much love,

Stacy