(Previously published November 19, 2010)
It is 12:21AM. I just awoke from an evening of falling in and out of sleep as chemo round 7 finished up at 4:30ish this afternoon.
Chemo was much the same....an afternoon of of falling in and out of sleep. I had high hopes of using those 4 hours to accomplish much, but as I sat before my keyboard, my fingers misfiring on the keys, my eyes heavy, all I could do was shut my eyes for awhile. How quickly the body goes from the top of the mountain to a quick plummet down the hill....and you can feel the fall as the drugs begin to wage war and run rampant throughout.
The Benadryl was cut down again this treatment, but I think at this stage, my body is just so tired and even the lower dosage seemed to take its toll. And my body is fighting to keep a steady temperature. On top of the deep fatigue lies hot flashes and cold sweats. The deep aches that accompany Taxol for me begins to make itself known, a glimpse at what lies ahead in the days to come. Let's just say it isn't much fun. And so I succumb to the effect, draw up the covers and settle in allowing chemo to do its thing.
I am helpless against it effects.
But God isn't.
And so my mind goes to Him and to His power that rests upon me. That each day He will renew me. Renew my mind. Renew my body. Renew my spirit.
I am nearing the end. One more treatment to go. And while my mind can't rest upon that for too long for as one treatment ends another round begins shortly thereafter. I am reminded that this is but temporary and God has eternal purposes. He has a plan and that plan is good because He is good. It is that simple.
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.
We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.....
For all things are for your sakes, that grace, having spread through the many,
may cause thanksgiving to abound to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing,
yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory,while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4 (various verses)
I am thankful that my chemo treatments follow a week of Bible Study and teaching. A time when I am deep in God's Word allowing His Truth to flood through my soul and spirit. My mind. My heart. I think to when Jesus was tested by Satan in the wilderness. He had fasted for 40 days prior to that testing. Many say Jesus was His weakest having gone without food for so long. I say He was His strongest. His body was weak but His Spirit was strong. He had spent 40 days with His God being filled with Spiritual milk and meat. He was being renewed in His inner man. That is where strength lies. In the heart of God. So, I rejoice, that God ordained the timing of my treatments to fall each week when I am strongest so that as the battle ensues in my mind and body.....as I feel pressed on every side, I do not despair. I am not forsaken. If God is for me, than who can be against me?
And so I pray that this Taxol will be used in the hands of God to bring about healing. I pray that God will continue to comfort me in the days to come. I pray that His strength would overcome my weakness. I pray that my mind will recall His Word, to stand strong to fight the battle in His power. Standing on His Truth and love. And through it all, my hope is in Him.
So, I retreat to the place that brings me comfort. His almighty hands and my cozy, comfy bed where I'll spend many hours in the coming days.
Thank you for your prayers today. Keep them coming. God is using you in mighty ways. May you too, feel the power of God resting upon you today.
Chemo 7 behind me! One more to go. :)
Much love to you sweet friends, (thanks for stopping by)