(Previously published August 25, 2010)
I wish I could start out this post and tell you that I am strong today.
The chemo door stands before me and tomorrow morning at 9:15, Adriamycin and Cytoxan will be put through my veins in the hopes of killing any lingering cancer cells and decreasing my chance of reoccurrence.
I sat before my oncologist this afternoon as she went through the litany of side-effects, procedures, and what I can expect. As she handed me my prescriptions, telling me what I was to take on each day following my treatment...anti-nausea meds and pain relievers. She walked me into the infusion room. A sunny room filled with windows. But there was a blanket of disease that lay over the room. Faces were tired and worn. The light with darkness all around. And I was numb. Tomorrow, I would be sitting in one of those chairs and the effects would begin to run rampant in my body. There is no turning back and I know God doesn't want me to.
I haven't had words this week, hence my silence. I'm fragile today...it is one of those days where the clouds have descended and my head was cast down. I've had to choose moment by moment to fix my eyes upon Jesus throughout the day.
And a tug of war has been ensuing all week between my mind and my heart. Between trusting in the Lord by faith and then trying to understand what the next day will look like, the next week and the next 4 months. Between walking this journey not with what I know in my head to be true, but with what I know about my God in my heart to be true. And satan has been at every turn whispering to me that this cancer is going to take my life. I have felt like I'm walking on a tightrope and the balancing rod keeps swaying down. But with each tip of the rod, Jesus has faithfully been there, reminding me of His love and His Truth.
He had a message for me this week.
Yesterday, God used my older sister to speak this message to my heart. God spoke that message to me again this morning, as I was driving to my Vitamin C infusion at 7:30, and worshipping Him. And then again as I sat down in the infusion chair and looked at my email, another friend encouraged my heart through the Holy Spirit with the same message. As if that wasn't enough....during my infusion, I was preparing the overview for Ephesians this fall and studying Paul, who wrote Ephesians while sitting shackled in chains in a Roman prison. There He worshipped the Lord. The message for me was the same......."Stacy.....today is the day."
Not tomorrow. Not in 4 months when the chemo is done. Not in this time next year when your body may appear whole again. Today. Live for me today. Stay focused on today for I have much for you. Be filled with my Joy, today.
Today, is the day to rejoice. Today is the day I want to carry you. Today I desire to bless you. Today, I want to make myself known through you. Today, I want to fill you with joy and peace that doesn't come from the doctors....only from Christ. There is much you will miss if you keep looking to the end of the road.
I don't want to miss a thing. I don't want a moment of this cancer wasted in worrying, in doubting, in fear. I want to live for Christ today and be rooted in Him alone. I want Him to use me as He sees fit. I want to be filled with His joy, as the chemo goes in, as I lose my hair, as I endure radiation and follow-up surgeries. Oh, how my heart cries for this.
But the battle has been raging within me today. As I have gone from Dr. Bazzan this morning, to my oncologist this afternoon, to my plastic surgeon.....I have ridden with my worship music turned up and my head raised to my Lord and Savior knowing that my help comes from Him alone. As I drove, the song, "Today is the day," by Paul Baloche played and reminded me to stay in the moment. Oh, how I needed that reminder. I have praised Him with my heart and my voice for who He is and all that He has done for me. And as the tears have welled up in my eyes throughout the day, sometimes spilling over, I have given them to Him. I have given Him my fears of tomorrow, my hopes and my dreams, my life....
And when my eyes are fixed upon Him, I have peace and I have His joy. Please pray that my eyes stay there. Please pray that I would look upon Christ, my creator and not upon the circumstance or the facts. Please pray that I would be strengthened each day by His hand alone
"This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it."